Every now and then I have a why me day. Today after unwinding muscles have kept me up all night for three nights in a row I found myself wallowing for a while. All this spiritual development takes some of the fun out of the wallow because now it turns out there’s a part of me that can always hold a view from an expanded space and so there I am both wallowing and amused that I feel a need to wallow.
Now I realize from a certain point of view those woe is me moments are suffering and I should be glad that I have this capacity to step aside from it. Well, I am glad. But sometimes it would be nice to just wallow. I don’t feel that my life is one of suffering if every now and then I just feel sorry for myself and let that rule for a while.
These muscle problems date back at least to college and I’ve been getting treatments and trying to get out of this for over a quarter of a century. And I can do the whole gratitude thing. Yes, I get what it’s done for me. Yes, I can see how I’ve learned from this. How it’s helped me learn what I teach and to be a more compassionate teacher. Blah, blah, blah. It’s also been 30 years of pain and exhaustion that have just about bankrupted me emotionally, physically, financially. And every now and then I just want to wallow in saying “WHY ME????” How did it get this bad and this hard to figure out how to get out of it? So boo hoo. Woe is me.