Finding the playful me

Fellow blogger Tracie Louise has just created a new line of t-shirts and stickers. The above picture is one of the designs you can buy at Redbubble. I think they’re so lovely I asked her for permission to use the pictures and share the link to the order site. I posted the first–”be happy”–on Notes from the Bluegrass yesterday. Hope you like them.

As with my post on Notes yesterday the connection to the picture is a little circuitous—and I’m rambling again–but it does fit. I’ve been thinking about this Sassy blog a lot lately. It keeps falling by the wayside and I keep meandering among different topics and styles when I do post here and sometimes I wonder if I should just give it up or merge the Bluegrass Notes one with this and expand the concept to be more than the spiritual journey. Can’t make up my mind.

There’s a part of me, as I mentioned in the About page for this blog, that is more sassy than the spiritual blog tends to reveal. As I step into a new life in which I’m back to being physically healthy but this time without the mental anguish and anxiety, I’m feeling a little restless. I feel like I’m more than this spiritual journey toward health and serenity but I’m not sure that I know exactly what the “more” is.

When illness first overtook me I was about at the end of being young (which I will be the first to admit had lasted overly long for me). At first I tried to keep up the more active lifestyle to which I was accustomed but over the years of illness I slowly folded my wings and led a circumscribed life. I also did a lot of emotional release work and spiritual practice and the combination led to letting go of a huge amount of who I used to be. At the time I was aware that I’d jettisoned a lot but since my life was so quiet by that time I didn’t really get how that affected normal life.

Now I’m feeling better and ready to move out into the world more and I realize I don’t really know what that means for me any more. I’ve joined a group of women in monthly Full Moon ceremonies and I’m loving that and enjoying the feeling of being out with amazing people and part of something. But I don’t want to spend my whole life going to spiritual ceremonies and I’m a little blank after that.

Many practitioners have told me that I should play more—aha the circuitous connection to the picture. I was such a serious little kid and mostly so serious as an adult that when I’m given that instruction I feel helpless. What would that look like? What should I do? My cousin’s then ten-year-old twins got me on Pixie Hollow a couple of years ago and that’s the only thing I’ve found (and I admit this with some trepidation, so be kind) that feels playful in a way I enjoy. After that I’m still kind of blank on what I would find fun in a playful way. Most of the things I enjoy such as art museums, reading, movies, modern dance (the watching not the doing), etc. aren’t exactly playful in the sense most people seem to mean.

So part of the idea of Not Just Sassy was to have a place to be more playful in my writing. But mostly I’m not coming up with much that’s all that much fun to write. I got kind of into cooking* while ill and have had to do a lot of research about food and adopting recipes so I’ve included a bit of that and plan to do more. I reblog posts I like sometimes. But this blog has been kind of like my life. Nebulous.

Now the interesting thing is, this doesn’t particularly bother me. I’m glad to have left the neurotic, anxious, insomniac, sometimes near-hysteric persona behind. I’ve reached a stage where the loud clubs and parties and major city events that used to be crucial to my sense of well-being now make me cringe. The spiritual journey has come to be a huge part of who I am. But I actually didn’t start that journey as a spiritual one. I started it because I was desperately unhappy and I felt drawn to a therapist who worked more on the spiritual side. I love yoga and many other spiritual practices but I’ve really used them more for their physical and emotional benefits than for anything else. Of course, the doing of all those practices changes far more than that so spiritual life has become an integral part of me. But I didn’t start out seeking enlightenment and frankly I still don’t really care whether I ever am or not. I set out to be happier and then healthier and I’ve accomplished that –more than I think I imagined I could—but now I want to Be Joy. I’m starting out by telling myself regularly that I AM Joy. After that who knows. But as I figure it out you’ll hear from me on one of the blogs…

*I enjoy it up to a point and I love cooking a meal for people that leaves them smiling. But when people tell me I should open a restaurant I cringe because there are few things I would enjoy less than having to cook all day every day. I enjoy it when I do it because I don’t have to do it all the time. I batch cook and freeze a lot so that I can eat yummy home made things without having to cook all that often.

 

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4 thoughts on “Finding the playful me

  1. That’s a question I’ll have to ponder — what really constitutes play? The various intuitive types who’ve suggested that need to play haven’t necessarily been specifying exuberant and I understand their sense that I locked anything that could be called playful pretty deep but maybe I go blank because that particular word doesn’t resonate or convey to me what they mean. And yes, it’s a question for age too.

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  2. I sometimes wonder if there are different types of play for different personality types. There seems to be this idea that all people should enjoy the most exuberant types of play. Yet, I think we often benefit from a dose of play that stretches us out of our old patterns. My mom is 82 and after many years of not perhaps being able to play because of my Dad’s illness and death, she seems to be more playful now. She broke her hip last year doing Zumba something she loved, but apparently was a bit too much for her. It’s tough when our bodies become more fragile. I suspect there are many people, including me, that are asking themselves the question as they age, what does it mean to be playful for me now? I hadn’t really thought about this question until reading your post today, and is something that would be good for me to look at again. I’ve been tending to be too in my head for a while, and getting back into my body through play might be a good next step. Thanks for your blog inspiration!

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